Kids who prefer solitude may be perfectly content, study shows

The child who plays alone during recess may be perfectly content doing so, according to a new study from the University of Georgia.

The research found that some elementary school children who appear unsociable actually just prefer being solo, as long as they know they belong in a broader social setting. These children knew their peers would still invite them to play even if they opted out from time to time. That knowledge acted as a buffer against potential feelings of loneliness.

Children who said they didn't think fitting in was important felt unhappy with their relationships with peers. It could be that they didn't see a reason to maintain social connections, often turning down invites to play. As a result, those invites likely stopped coming. And then they began feeling left out and lonely.

It's important to remind children they can fit in with their peers but not to force them into social interaction if they don't feel like it, the researchers said.

There are things we do because we know what's good for us. We go exercise. We eat our vegetables. We know it's important. We might not want to do it, but we do it because it's good for us. Social interaction is the same way. Turning down invitations, like avoiding exercise, leads to poorer outcomes."

Michele Lease, co-author of the study and professor in UGA's Mary Frances Early College of Education's department of educational psychology

Kids who seem like loners to others may become self-fulfilled prophecy

The researchers analyzed answers from 473 fourth and fifth graders from multiple Georgia elementary schools. They were asked to identify classmates who prefer to play alone even though they get along well with others. The children also self-reported how highly they valued belonging. And they were asked about the quality of their relationships both one-on-one with friends and within a larger group setting such as a classroom.

The researchers found kids who were identified by their peers as "not social" were often dissatisfied with their position in the class. These children were unhappy that they often sat alone at lunch or weren't approached first for reading groups.

These withdrawn children were still able to maintain successful individual friendships, however. Although that is a positive, navigating group dynamics is an important skill during childhood, the researchers said.

"By fourth and fifth grade, peer groups are more established, children have developed stronger social skills, and they have more experience interacting with one another," said Rachael Pfanz, corresponding author of the study and a doctoral graduate from the college. Pfanz is also now an elementary school psychologist. "At that point, they are better able to recognize who is regularly playing alone and who is becoming isolated."

Feelings of belonging allow kids to turn down invites

Children who didn't think fitting in was important were more likely to be dissatisfied with others at both a friendship and class level. The researchers speculated that they turn down more invitations and become withdrawn, which translates into even more isolation from their peers.

The kids who did value belonging but stayed off on their own felt just fine. They were happy with their peers on both an individual and group level.

The researchers suggested this may be because these children accept enough social invitations to feel included but are also comfortable declining invitations when they don't feel like playing, knowing they'll have other opportunities in the future.

"These kids prefer to be alone and do their own thing rather than playing with their peers, but they still have that other flip side of getting along well with others," Pfanz said. "They will not always reject social invitations like the other group, though. If they're invited, they will sometimes participate and socialize with others. That higher importance of belonging drives them to engage in more social invitations when maybe they wouldn't want to, and that suits them well."

Teachers and parents should consider these findings when organizing group activities or before pushing a solo kid into a social situation they don't want to participate in, the researchers said. Nudging a child toward a small, like-minded group of kids or encouraging them to accept invites occasionally can still go a long way in flexing a kid's social muscles.

"Maybe don't ask them to go join the big soccer game right away on the playground. That's a little overwhelming if they're already preferring to play alone," Pfanz said. "Instead, encourage those solo kids to go join a small group that has similar behaviors and see how that goes."

The study was published in The Elementary School Journal. Co-authors include Michael Barger, an associate professor in the department of educational psychology; Stacey Neuharth-Pritchett, senior associate dean for academic programs and professor in the department of educational psychology; and Mihyun Kim, a doctoral student in the department of educational psychology.