Fear of embarrassment creates a vicious cycle of loneliness in young teenagers

A University of the Sunshine Coast study of young teenagers has identified a vicious cycle of loneliness linked to the fear of embarrassment or judgment by peers.

The study of more than 170 children aged 13 to 15 found that those staying under the radar socially to avoid judgment reported greater loneliness, as well as lower trust, connection and participation in friendships.

"It explored why some teens feel lonely even when surrounded by their peers, and identified the key pattern of social avoidance," said UniSC Lecturer in Psychology Helen Hall, a practising psychologist who led the research for her ongoing PhD.

"They withdraw from socializing to avoid being judged, then fail to learn skills around trust, joining in, and give-and-take, then feel lonely and avoid their peers even more.

"Unfortunately, some teens suffer because they have empathy and recognise other perspectives, which are wonderful skills that are decreasing among this age group."

She said it was somewhat surprising that teens who chased popularity or status among their peers reported less loneliness, despite other studies to the contrary.

"Previous research has shown that large friend networks or status goals do not necessarily lead to greater wellbeing or healthier social behaviour," said Ms Hall, acknowledging the 'mean girls' factor.

"However, in this case, they do appear to be protective factors against loneliness when they are channelled into mutually supportive, trusting relationships."

She said the overall findings reflected some key reasons for the global loneliness epidemic producing poorer psychological and social outcomes among adolescents.

"Parents and teachers need to help our teens find safe, low-pressure ways of participating and connecting with their peers," said Ms Hall, a mother of four.

Don't rely on the old advice to 'stop caring what others think' and be cautious if encouraging social media contact. Generally, our teens will gain richer skills when they participate with others in-person.

Listen and validate what they're experiencing and help them take small steps."

Helen Hall, UniSC Lecturer in Psychology

Five tips to help a lonely teen

1. Pivot the focus to trust. Find one peer they feel most at ease with and one adult they can talk to, then discuss what action they can do to strengthen those ties;
2. Teach reciprocity by creating micro-scripts of give-and-take in friendships – checking in, asking people to sit with them, showing empathy;
3. Encourage them to practise social courage. What's one small step they can take this week instead of avoidance?
4. Make sure they are getting some decent sleep and self-care;
5. Try a 10-minute 'download' (write the worry), then a reset routine (shower, music, stretch).

The study involved students from four independent schools across Queensland and was published in the journal Child & Youth Care Forum with UniSC supervisors and co-authors Dr Prudence Millear and Professor Mathew Summers.

Ms Hall is now examining how this social avoidance can impact student engagement with schools and self-belief in their own academic abilities.

The UniSC Psychology Honours graduate was awarded the University's top student honour, the Chancellor's Medal, in 2018 for her contributions to academia, the university and wider communities.

Ms Hall's research is already having an impact on parents and adolescents through the work of Michelle Mitchell, a best-selling author of parenting and children's resources who speaks at schools and community events across Australia.

Ms Mitchell said there was "gold" in the findings for parents trying to better understand their children's needs for belonging and security in social situations.

"I'm particularly keen to share the concept of reframing that old advice about not caring what others think," she said.

"I hope every parent takes that saying out of their vocabulary and realises that our kids do need to pay attention to what other people think. Social feedback is important. That's how they read the room and understand themselves in context, so they can contribute in a meaningful way."